Restless

My posting seems to have gone down hill lately. Kind of crazy times really...

In the past 2 months my supervisor/friend was let go from where I work and subsequently I took over the position. That was really odd at first but I know there are no ill feelings between him and I. So now I am a supervisor/senior tech of the service center. Some things have changed, some have not. It has been an adjusting period but I think I have adapted and am doing well. I really need to thank all my friends and pastors out there that have helped me "learn" how to lead or "unlearn" and re-evaluate what I knew. "Love your neighbor as yourself"- when I go into work with that attitude (which is most days) it seems to always go more smoothly.

Then there was Justine's surgery. Wow. That was crazy in itself. Number 17. That is how many surgeries that girl has endured and the number of times she has amazed me afterwards. Resiliency... that about describes every facet of her life.

Hands of Hope. Our wonderful mission. I have had volunteers for 10 out of the last 11 weeks bring and serve food. People are seeing the need and just wanting to love and serve each other.

Even with these hard but yet fully blessed times that my life has had lately I still feel restless... and I don't know why. I don't feel unsatisfied. I don't feel like something is left undone. The thing that kind of freaks me out the most is I don't feel or "hear" anything within myself pointing one direction or another. The calm before the storm? If it is supposed to be calm then why am I so restless?

For me it seems that everything has to have a purpose... really it does. God has a purpose for everything but maybe my need of control is blinding me with the purpose of restlessness...

Ugh... I don't know... just needed to vent. Maybe I will go and try and get some sleep.

Justine Update #3

Happy Easter!! It is such a wonderful day to celebrate our Savior's conquer over death. Though we are hanging here in Cincy we know that rings true not just for us but for all the other families spending the day here with their kids as well.

Justine is doing well. She ate a great dinner last night (mac N cheese, etc) and a good breakfast this morning. So we know here appetite is back!! Yeah!

The Dr. just visited us and unfortunately he is not let Justine go home until tomorrow; but for good reasons. There may be a chance that there is an infection in her spinal fluid. If that is the case then we are looking at another surgery. They would have to take the new shunt out and drain the fluid into a bag until the infection is gone and then replace it again. He does not think that there is one but since there is a chance with one of the tests done we have to take all precautions. Plus they want to do a CT of her stomach area to make sure there is nothing wrong with what we originally came here for.

Is it bad news? I don't think so. More disappointing news right now. We really wanted to be able to go home today but it is better that we know nice and early and not later in the day.

Right now the plan is for Christian and I to go home today so we can go to work and school tomorrow and come back down if needed. Hopefully Justine will be able to come home tomorrow and we can all just be at home.

We ask that you pray for healing, for the doctors, nurses and all the families here at Children's today.

Happy Easter! We love you all.

Justine Update

Well, the surgery is complete and seems to be a success. They had to do it the long way. They had a problem with both the mechanism and the tube. They replaced the shunt in her head and then had to pull the old tube and replace it with a new one. This time, they did put the tube down her chest instead of through the intestines.

She is in some pain and uncomfortable right now. Some in the stomach where they took the old tube out, some in the upper part of the chest just below the shoulder and some in the head. The Dr said she would be uncomfortable in her chest for a little time but will go away eventually.

Tonight we have another CT done and see where we are at with what here ventricles in her head looks like... if they are good there is a very good chance we could be home tomorrow.

Thank you everyone for your concerns and prayers. Our family appreciates each and every one of them and you. We ask for you to keep praying for a speedy recovery and for all the other kids in the hospital today too!

More updates will be coming!!!

Justine's Surgery

Well, it has been about 6 years since an "emergency" surgery has come up. The past 6 years have been graciously planned surgeries; however, this one came as a "surprise".

Tracy brought Justine to Children's for a bowel problem that has been persistent in the past month due to bad constipation. On the way down and during the check up in the ER Justine was complaining of headaches where her shunt is located. We decided to do a CT to make sure it was working correctly and her ventricles were fine in her head (the shunt regulates the spinal fluid around the brain; Justine was not born with a natural "valve" and had to have a shunt put in to regulate it or extreme brain damage and death could occur). The test showed failure. This prompted an emergency call to the neurosurgeon and has put us where we are now: sitting in the waiting room while they figure out and fix her shunt.

This looks like it will be a 2 hour surgery but could become longer depending on the malfunction. The will start from the top and go down, literally. The shunt is actually located on the back, right side of her head. A tube then strings down into her intestines. We are hoping that it is just he mechanism in the head because it will be an "easier fix" and can be done in the shortest time. If it has to do with the tube either alone or together with the mechanism then we are looking at a longer surgery and a different placement of the tube, possibly through her lungs, due to the past surgeries with her stomach and intestines.

That is where we are right now at 8:40 in the morning. We are trying to update everyone and hopefully it will be a shorter surgery than a longer one.

How is Justine? This one was hard. When she was younger it was all about trust. She knew daddy would keep her safe and she trusted me. Now she is older. She is thinking things through. She knows it is not easy. She trusts me but she questions everything else. She cried today. I had to hold it in. I cannot even describe the brokenness in me today. A daddy's love wants nothing more than to take his daughter's place and not let her feel the pain. Even with this being her 17th surgery it is just as hard as her first one the day she was born. I just wish...

You know, the scars on her body may seem odd to some but to me they are the beauty marks, the scars of her faith. She may be scared but she knows Jesus is with her too. That is what is so wonderful about my girl.

Until the next update...

Keep praying. God is good.

Could you do this?

You want to see real faith and love at work? Read this article:

http://www.detnews.com/article/20090328/SPECIAL02/903280339

I have no other comment other than I hope that I can be that forgiving, that loving and that faithful of a man someday.

Please, pass it on.

Obama's comments

Last night on Jay Leno's show Obama made a statement that pretty much upset a few million Americans. While on the show he was talking about his 129 point bowling score and then compared it to Special Olympics. First of all, coming from the position that he is now seated at, I am disappointed of the stereotyping that came out of his mouth. Second of all, for him to not come out himself and publicly apologize for making such a blatant disparaging remark (especially concerning his own minority, ethical background) is disappointing to me.

See this link, it has video: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7955842.stm

Let me let you in on a little secret known to all of the real working America... if that statement was said in our workplace he probably would have been disciplined in one of 2 ways: either a written reprimand or visiting the unemployment line. I know in my work place it is absolutely not tolerated to talk like that about anyone... ever... regardless of race, religion, creed, disability... anything!

Another thing that is disappointing is Tim Shrivers comments:

"He expressed that he did not intend to humiliate [the disabled] population," (then he should apologize himself; this is like me sending my wife to work to apologize for my screw up the day before)

"I think it's important to see that words hurt and words do matter," he added. "And these words that in some respect can be seen as humiliating or a put-down to people with special needs do cause pain and they do result in stereotypes." (Duh... you would think he would know this already)

Here is the one that gets me...

"He thinks that the Special Olympics are a wonderful programme that gives an opportunity to shine to people with disabilities from around the world,"

Sounds good doesn't it? Here is the problem... we don't want people to see our loved ones in a programme that let's them shine... we want them to shine in life and at work, and in their own homes, and to be treated like normal people. The Special Olympics are awesome; Justine loves to participate... but that is one time a year. Life is everyday.

Am I any better? Heck no. Am I guilty of saying stupid things? Yes, I am. Am I any better than he is? No way.

But then I am not President of the best country in the world. I am a supervisor in a computer factory and we hold ourselves in a very high standard... you would think the White House would hold themselves even higher. But then this is politics...

Maybe I am taking it all out of context... maybe I am just a little ticked off... I guess I will just have to pray even harder for our country and its leaders.

I will make my next post more positive. Had to get this off my chest.

DP

In the Name of Love

Last week I led a team of 30 people to Nashville, TN to serve in various aspects. Most of them (19) were youth (one 6th grader, one seventh grader, 11 8th graders and 6 senior high students). We do this every year during Martin Luther King weekend since the youth are off of school on Monday. It works out great.

We do this mission as part of our membership class for our church. They go through a 16 week study of the Trinity, God's grace, church, missions, evangelism, baptism, the Lord's Supper among many other things we talk about. One of main points we drive into them is to live their life as Jesus' disciple; to learn from Him, to be like Him. We teach the importance of being in the Word and doing things because of the love we should not only have for Jesus in our hearts but for everyone, no matter the circumstance. One of the last things is getting out of our town, our own elements, and doing something away.

This year we kicked it off as we always do. I have a great friend named Bob Lord that has a mission called The Lord's Chuckwagon. He feeds homeless on Fridays and Saturdays at around 11 am. He and his wife Gretchen started this mission years ago and we "stumbled" across it through friends about 5 years ago. He is a direct inspiration on both Tracy's and my life.

This year was different though. On Christmas Eve, Gretchen went to be with the Lord. It was hard for many of us that met her and had the privilege to get to know her. She loved people, no matter what they had done. It was hard not to see her on that Saturday but instead of being melancholy about the situation I decided to just love on Bob even more. And so did the youth... they were so passionate about what they were doing that morning. Just an incredible time and yet the presence of Gretchen was there... not in a supernatural type of way that people like to think but in the eyes, the hearts and the hands of those we served. They served us that day just as much.

After that service, we split into 2 groups- one went to an inner city school to do cleaning and renovation. I took another group to a government assisted tower for the elder and disabled. What I experienced I still am in disgust and awe at...

The youth were split with adult leaders and I went with Tracy and my 2 kids. We all went to different apartments fulfilling tasks that were needed and to make conversation. The first couple apartments were weird. One lady said we were not suppose to be there until next week and shut the door on us. Tracy and I looked at each other with that "oops" type look on our faces. The next person was not home. We were down to one more apartment on our list with 3 hours to go.

We met JoAnn at the 3rd apartment. She was in the middle of making spaghetti that was going to be her lunch and supper. She said she did not have the energy to cook twice in a day so she would make one big meal for the whole day. Her ticket said that she need "basic cleaning." By the looks of her kitchen, she need a little more than basic.

So as we introduced ourselves and had a 10 minute get-to-know-you session we decided to get cleaning. I was starting in the kitchen. I don't mind the kitchen and Tracy hates it so I started there and she started in the bedroom. Well, the bathroom is connected to the bedroom and Tracy soon came out asked me if I could do the bathroom and we would do the kitchen together after. She said the bathtub was pretty dirty and she could not scrub very well... she needed "man power." Sigh... ok. I hate cleaning the bathroom but ok.

**Flashback** Earlier in the morning we had a group session with all the youth on what to expect, questions to ask and not to ask, etc. I used I Cor 13 as a basis for the day. You know that one... "Love is patient..." It says in that chapter that we can do all these things but if there is not love in the actions they are just actions. God wants us to do things out of love and not because we think we have to or to try and attone for things because we all know it is only by grace we are saved.*********

Back to the story...

I go into the bathroom and that was the most scum I have ever seen in a tub. All we had was wash cloths, not scratch pads. Luckily I had Comet! I soaked the tub in water and added Comet. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed. I rinsed it all out and there was still too much left. It did look better but I was not satisfied. So I whetted the tub again and put more Comet on it and decided to let it sit. So I decided to head over to the toilet clean that.

I reached over for the toilet cleaner and 409-type product to clean the toilet. Then I noticed it. On the side of the toilet that I could not see and under the seat was caked in poo. I looked at it in total dismay. So what was the first thing in my mind? "Oh, hell no! I don't even have any gloves!" I am being brutally honest here. That was my first thought. Then came something I have never really experienced before:

This voice in my head said "What was it that you taught this morning? What was it you said? You don't have to like doing this, just love the person you are doing it for."

At that time Tracy came in and saw I was in dismay. She asked "What?" and all I did was point at the toilet and the floor and said "Crap." in a whisper. She said "I will get it" and I said "No, I have to."

So there I went. I cleaned the toilet, the floor and finished the tub. I listened to what God was telling me. I did not like cleaning the crap but I did it out of love for my Jesus and for JoAnn. I prayed while doing it. I prayed for her, I prayed for me, I prayed for my family, for all the others serving today that they meet God as I had, in midst of all the dirt, grime, scum and poo.

I was completely humbled that day. Not only did God give me words to teach the youth that day but He had me perform it too. Not only did he show up to us in the clean and comfort of the place we were staying, He showed up in the midst of everything nasty that we were doing. Not for us, not for our salvation but for Love. This Love is not just the feelings or the actions but in this instance it is the name of Jesus.

And I learned Love in a whole new way that day...

The Real Santa Showed Up On Christmas Day (The Christmas Memorial Part 2)

So, this is the 2nd part of my blog. This one is where you see the "presence" I was talking about.

After a really cool Christmas Eve service, we came home and we survived the family at the house exchanging gifts. We did not get the kids down until late. But that is ok as we thought we could just sleep in.

We did in fact, until the sound of barking dogs echoed our house at 7:45 am that is. This does not usually happen unless someone is walking up the ramp to the front door. Startled, I jumped out of bed and used my usual phrase "Holy Crap!" What a way to start Christmas, eh?

Anyways, Tracy looked out the bedroom window but sees no one, nothing. So I go to the living room, look out our big bay window and I see nothing. Jake, our big 12 year old black lab, just gives me that sigh and plops back down to rest his old bones somemore. Montana, our 1 year old black and white boarder collie, is bright eye and bushy tail and needed to pee. So now I sigh (cause I want to rest my old bones) and put my slippers on and get my coat. I open the front door and then I see something.

A trash bag.

Though I did not have a mirror, I am pretty sure I had that stupid-deer-in-the-headlights type look on my face. So now I am confused and think "Do I call in the bomb squad?" with that smirk on my face (no longer looking like a deer).

I bring the trash bag inside and sit it on the floor and look at it. Tracy walks in, puts her hands on her hips and looks at it too. It is about 18 inches long and 12-15 inches wide. Thin. Very light.

So I open it, still a bit confused and out comes this beautiful painting. I cannot describe it, so here is a picture:



Words cannot describe our feelings; however, the questions were flooding our minds: Who? Why? What?

I look in the what has gone from a trash bag to gift wrap and see this letter:

"At 4:00 this morning God called me to paint this for you and your family. I know that you are going through a hard time now, but God wants you to know that He is there for you and will always be watching over you. He wants you to know that He will never give you anything you cannot handle. When you feel despair and grief coming over you, pray to Him and He will bring you comfort. My prayer for you and your family is this:

Lord, please bless this family on this Christmas Day; give them the strength they need. Lord, help this family to enjoy this day and use it, to not only honor you but to also honor and remember the loved one that they have lost. Lord, bring a sense of peace over this family so they may be overcome by your spirit and the true meaning of Christmas. For you are the Lord of Lords. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

May you do what you want with this picture but may you always remember you are loved by not only the people around you but also by God; for you and your family are all his children."

Need I even type what my feelings were/are? I will tell you this much: Tracy and I were gearing up for probably the most emotionally draining Christmas in our lives. We expected joy, tears, maybe some anger but instead we were filled with God. Christmas was full of laughing, remembering, praying, loving... and though we missed Rosemary so much God filled that void too.

And it all started with a gift. A real gift. One that will never leave our family unless God Himself directs us to do so. It will always remind us of God's love and why He sent His only Son; so Rosemary could go and live with Him and someday we will too.

Christmas will never be the same. And that is a good thing.

A Christmas Memorial

Wow, it has been awhile since I have blogged. I have just been so busy with going back to my old/new job, taking care of the family, Christmas and all the other stuff going on in life.

In the midst of all this, and probably the most profound thing, is that my mother-in-law, Rosemary, left this world and started a new and glorious life in heaven on December 13th. Don't get me wrong, this was a very hard time for us. And it is such a big story with a big presence, I hope you see it in all of this.

We had the memorial on December 20th, a Saturday afternoon service. It was absolutely beautiful as people shared on Rosemary's life and her servant's heart to children all around this area. Scripture read was Psalm 73:26, John 3:16-17, Psalm 119:105. All beautiful and inspiring scripture, the way she liked it. Music included "How Great is Our God" and "Beautiful One", two of her favorite songs. Our good friend Susan sang "You Raise Me Up"; we were so thankful for her beautiful vocals.

I was able to read something I wrote for all to hear from her brother Uncle Marty for New York, we also heard from a friend from Pennsylvania. I was also priveledged to share my heart on someone I absolutely loved and adored.

Finally, at the end of the service, we ended it with "Away in a Manger", "Silent Night" and then, after communion was served, we lit the candles and sang "O Come all Ye Faithful."

It was truly a celebration not of Rosemary (though she was definitely included) but that of God, His plan in her life and the love He shows each and every one of us.

Here is what I read to everyone there at the memorial from our family:

Psalm 119:105- Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

There are so many thoughts and memories we can share with you. For instance, the Myrtle Beach trips we would take with her; most of you know that she loved the ocean. That was her time of solace, her time of peace and tranquility. She loved having us there with her to relax and just be with Justine and Christian. From playing in the sand, to walking around Broadway on the Beach, watching the kids ride roller coasters, to eating at the Pier and watching the sunrise and sunset while reading a novel, Rosemary enjoyed every minute of the week long vacation we would take to Myrtle Beach.

Today, in light of the holiday spirit, we want to talk to you about Rosemary’s favorite time of the year: Christmas. She loved this time of the year. She was pretty sneaky with it too. She would go shopping with Tracy all the time and conspire what to get me and Nichole. Then she would go with Nichole and figure me and Tracy out. Then she and I would get together and figure out the girls. She would do this from Thanksgiving on and never ever get anything confused and would have everything so perfect for that Christmas. Rosemary and Tracy would make up an excuse to go away for a weekend shopping in Columbus and knowing that it was probably for me and kids, I was ok with that.  Oh, but did Rosemary love to give. She never really asked for anything either. We would ask her for a list and she would just say “Oh, nothing. Spend it on the kids.” Like good kids, we would genuinely disobey.

Rosemary loved Christmas though, not because of the presents, but because of the love it represented. She loved to give to anyone through out the year but this time of year was just extra special for her. She never did it to gain status for herself; she did it because she truly, genuinely loved every friend, family and person she met. I know that if she could, she would have given something to every family she served and came in contact with the 25+ years she was in the teaching field.

I will end this with one final story. Last Saturday, when we found out she went to be with Jesus, Christian was very upset because he could not give his Christmas gift to his grandma. He insisted that he had to so she could take it to heaven with her. We decided to let him and Justine go and say their goodbyes. In the room, I saw Christian unwrapping his present to Rosemary and in his small hands there was a small, white candle; his final gift to his grandma.

I hope you see the symbolism in that story. It was at that time God told me she was at peace and that all is well. It was at that time He reminded me what Christmas was about and why Jesus came to be born. He reminded me that His light forever shines in this world, even in death. It was at that time that He used Rosemary as He has for so many years throughout her work and her life to shine His light to her family and this community.

So we see this memorial as a final Christmas gift to all of you, her family, her friends, her students past or present not because she wants to be recognized but because of the love she felt for each and every one of you.

Why I Quit My $40,000 A Year Job

It has been just a wild and crazy ride for me lately. I mean, look at the title of this post! I must being going loco, that's for sure. Why in the world would I give a job that is paying $40,000 a year with a company car and a gas card to go back to being paid a lot less and me having to look for a car? Am I losing my freaking mind? I have been debating my choice for the past few weeks now. I hope that I can explain this to all my friends and they may have a glimpse into some special... something human... something loving... something spiritual.

In February I left my "old" job of 10 years to pursue my dream of working in an IT department. It wasn't your typical IT department, we not only took care of our own needs, we were hired by other companies to take care of their needs also. It was fun. I got to drive around and take care of other peoples needs. Some days I did not drive far (just to work) and other days I drove 100-150 miles. Some days were 8 hours and others were 10-11. It was fun, some new stuff.

Lately, I have been feeling that the job just was not right for me. After the past couple days of giving my notice and talking to the owner of why I was resigning I came to the conclusion that it was not that I did not fit the job but the job was not fitting me. Not just in me but in my spiritual life and family life.

Over the following months I started to become more disconnected with things. I was engulfed in my work. I would come home and do research and get ready for the next day. Sometimes I would be up until 10 or 11 just doing "work". My time with the family started to dwindle. I spent more and more time on the computer, looking stuff up I had not had time earlier in the day or just trying to expand my knowledge. So, I would get home between 4-5 on normal days and continue working at home. Less and less time being spent with the family. See where this part is going?

As time continued on I started to disconnect more from God. I have these 2 great ministries that I coordinate; Hands of Hope and Quest. These 2 ministries started to get put on the back burner too. For Hands of Hope, our weekly lunch for those in need, it went from planning it through a 7-10 window to planning it the night before. I went from actively recruiting others to become a part of this great ministry to just "letting it fly." This is no way I intended to be part of these ministries as I am also sure this is no way to coordinate these ministries. Though it looked on the outside that these things were "good", I was failing miserably.

This is no way the fault of my employer but a fault of my own. I let the worldly things get the best of me. Instead of realizing it and trying to fix it... I embraced it. I became what I did not want to be... the world. I was foolish with money, I was undisciplined in my spiritual life, I pushed away my family... and for what? My dream. I failed to remember that my dream was part of God's direction at one time and I contaminated it. His dream for me, for all of us, is to be successful not only in our jobs and daily lives, but more importantly in our spiritual ones. Let's face it, we will be here maybe 70 years but are to be using that time to prepare us for a lifetime in heaven.

Why not fix it? Why "move on"? Because this is what I need to do. Get back to the basics. I need my time with my family, I need time with my ministries, I need time with my God. My "dream" job was taking over those times, I had to stop my free fall. I had to get back to God's dream, not my dream.

So now I try to reinvent myself. Not as a person but as a disciple. I need to bring myself back to wanting to learn from Jesus to be more like him. I am not sure how it will happen but it has obviously already begun. God is so much bigger than our own plans. I think we all ignore his great design because we are so blinded by our own.

So, where do I go from here? What does my very near future hold?

I am going back to my old job at Systemax. A door was opened and it was at the time I realized what was happening. They were very gracious and happy to have me back. So for now I step from the front and slide to the background. I go back to what I love to do, just fix computers. The nuts and bolts of everything. The hum of the fan, the grind of the hard drive. It will be like I never missed a beat.

I will also get back to the basics with my family. Homework, games, talking, playing, singing... anything to show my love again.

I will streamline my spiritual life. Get back into the Word, read other books, more discussions, pray more and get my ministries where they should be.

What has all this done for me? How do I feel?

Wow, the feelings are so scrambled right now: sadness, guilt, joy, renewed. I am so humbled by all of this. I think the biggest emotion is that I need to overcome is that I feel I failed my boss, Mike, who trusted me with this position and spent many resources over the past 10 months for this IT department. I know that it has been just as hard for him especially since we go to church together. I will never regret my decision in February. There was an honest and loving motivation with everything. I just fell short. I completely confess that. No more middle ground. I have to rely on God, not myself. It is time to right the ship. Right now I am running back to where I should be spiritually even though I am giving up my dream. Ultimately, that a dream is still there, it may not be earthly, but heaven is still there.